Timeline

I woke up this morning, reminded that"vacation" is once again over. I was up at the crack of what used to be dawn, and is now just dark, to pack for a conference for work. As per usual, my day is not going as planned. The kind gentleman who was supposed to guide us there seems to have forgotten about the conference. Now at work, it seems unlikely that we're going. Sigh* Maybe tomorrow.


I used to think I knew how to relax, but feedback from family and friends has taught me that relaxing is a difficult concept for me. But lately, it's all I seem capable of doing. I usually like to be on the go, and jumping around from one thing to the next. But I seem to have lost a buttload of motivation this year, and I don't know where it went. What happened to me?!! Do I have less energy today than I did a year ago? I;m having a hard time being committed to anything. I'm in school, volunteering, working (at a new job no less) and handling my social obligations with minimal effort put in. It's becoming alarmingly apparent that I'm procrastinating with everything, and I'm putting in almost no effort in school, work and even friends. Where is the motivation to get things done? Why don't I have energy for people like I used to? Where did it all go? Break it down girl.


Winter 2007-
Had surgery and removed 5 bits of my body in a day. 4 bits had to go, and I'm glad they don't hurt my mouth anymore (and why do they call them wisdom teeth anyways. Doesn't seem very wise to me.). The other part I still wish I had, though not in the condition it was in. Long day that was. Took a lot out of me for a long time, and I still have traumatising reminders of what happened to my body. I wonder if I'll ever stop worrying about it happening again. The psychological trauma seems to take longer to heal than the physical bits. Just keep reminding myself that despite all odds I seem to be an incredibly lucky lady. LIVE.

After months of complete depression-based silent treatment, I decided that it was time to stop being so mean to a friend who did not deserve what I was dishing out. In a show down of epic proportions, somehow things got superficially worked out (although the superficial part I only learned later). This was probably the most stressful situation I was in at the time, and it felt good to re-connect and worry-LESS about it. Maybe so good that I wasn't willing to stir up anything when the shit started hitting the fan again. Sometimes, working through someone's issues with them is rewarding and brings you closer. Unfortunately, when you're the one getting the brunt of someone's issues it's not the most productive state. It was good for awhile, but eventually, again, took too much out of me (and her. Ignored issues only get bigger). After another show-down of Epic proportions, we no longer speak, and are on a strict "email-only" basis. She will be gone soon, and I'm wrestling with the idea of making contact before she goes. It may be completely fake and I HATE THAT. It might bring us both some peace. It might start world war three. And as easy as it would be, I am NOT sending her an email. The part of me that feels guilty wants this to be worked out and for us to go back to being at least civil. The part of me (who thinks she knows better) knows that it depends in large part on her. I can control me, not her. We'll have to see how this unfolds.

Spring 2007-
The 5 times ex who had previously been dicking me around for a year and a half let me know he'd met someone else. Through Facebook. He told me the reason he didn't want to bring it up while he was still sleeping with me was because he wasn't sure if it was going to go anywhere with her. So he kept me in the dark to ensure sex for a month before I found out on FB. I didn't handle it well, felt used and betrayed, and also disappointed in someone who I had grown to appreciate as a friend. I decided to give him the benefit of a doubt and try to be friends (since we hadn't been able to do this in the last 7 years of our on-again, off-again saga). He ignored me, took 2 months to return stuff he had borrowed, and only contacted me to get pot. POT! After I told him that I feel like he only uses me for his own gain, and AFTER his blatant denial of such claims. he calls me for a "BUD-dy call". So, sadly, I'm left to conclude that he's a NO GOODER who only wants to be my friend when there is something in it for him. Not good for the whole self-esteem thing. I felt profoundly jaded by the experience. I'm now so sensitive to being used, that it's hard for me to give favors, to go out of my way for someone, to believe that someone actually wants to hang out with ME etc. This is a recent "lightbulb" moment I had. Despite it all, I wish him well. I want him to be happy. Just wish he hadn't stepped on my toes so hard on the way out, ya know? And now he has now done the same thing (more or less) to a good friend of mine, messing with her mind before fucking and chucking her to go back to his GF. I wish he knew how badly he hurt her.

My job got so slack, no need to even try there. My work ethic suffered this from here on out, no doubt about it. I could be hours late, take off on 3 hour breaks and leave early. Every day. And the actual workload at work was so miniscule there was really very little to keep you going. Except playing butt baseball and chasing tail around the office. Rowrrr... haha

Summer 2007-

Moved from old dingy apartment to new super place. I loved my apartment, but moving takes it out of you too. Plus, when you move in with a psycho you ever know what to expect. I have never yelled at another human being like that in my life (family excluded). Thank god she's gone, and home is now officially HOME.

Without getting too much in to it, THANK GOD it ended up being so, so, so, so, so, so, worth it. Getting together with my Andy-pants was by far the best thing to happen to me this past year . After a grueling courtship, and non-stop running around in stairways, trying not to makeout, making out, crying tears, sweat and stress, things worked themselves out and we're doing just fine. Somehow. :) Man, oh, man. His persistence is admirable. I miss him, he's in Japan. I;ve been thinking about him all day. Collective "BOO".

Fall 2007-

Slack job was lost due to company closure. Meaning, went from doing nothing at work all day to having no work all day. Sounds amazing, and I did make the most of my time off. However, getting used to sleeping in all day, taking off whenever I wanted, and spending all free time with Andy-Pants probably wasn't the best life choice as I now have a hard time getting into a routine of any sort. I wish I'd won the lottery, because the lack of routine doesn't really bother me. The lack of money does though :( Off to work I go, whether I like it or not .

BEGINNING WINTER 2007-

I started 2 jobs in the last few months of 2007, was broke so I had not been doing the fun stuff I wanted to do when I wanted to do it, suffering from busy friend syndrome, stressed out about health, etc. I pulled all nighters for classes I didn't care about, and made to-do lists about everything and anything.

NOW-

I have papers due and past due. A million books to read, a library to visit, forms to fill out, people to meet with, payments to make, groups to form, emails to send etc. School is well underway, and somehow I started this semester with a foot in the mud. I made a giant to do list today, that is way more complicated than anything I've ever seen. I feel as though things aren't getting any easier and they are supposed to. There's nothing particularly hard about any of it, but there seems to be so much to do that I'm overwhelmed enough to turn a blind eye and let it pile up. I don't want to deal with it. Not right now. I have no motivation for this kind of stuff.

So after pulling pieces of my body out, breaking up, making up, breaking up again, falling in and out of love with other people and myself, running around after roomates, feeling blue then red hot, working, working, working, exams, all nighters and moving- should I really expect this body of mine to want to do anything more than survive? Am I being unfair?

Am I wallowing? Did I just catch myself WALLOWING!

Quick Wallow fixer-upper;

1. My mom is sooo funny and has turned in to Super Mom lately. She's been so supportive, and great, and just all around wow.

2. Situations with friends are getting better (yea!), and with school starting I seem to be remembering all the people I've blown off this winter. Who knew they were so much fun?!

3. Money issues are slowly, but surely, getting taken care of. Relax chica, Rome wasn't built in a day.

4. Roomie situation is the best it's been since I've moved out, with the exception of Tenyjah, my sister. Although that too had its ups and downs, and stresses, she's my best bud soul sister. We understand, you don't have to.

5. MOST IMPORTANTLY, love is so amazing. As self-pitying as today has been, I realize that my boy-o's probably the reason I've maintained an "acceptable" level of sanity in these last few months, and the reason I'm able to laugh about all of this in the end. It's nice to feel as though everything will ACTUALLY be okay. He's gone for a really long time (relatively...just talked to a guy who's girlfriend's in jail for 10 months. Perspective), and I miss him wildly. I've been thinking about him all day, and swooning in frivoluous love fantasies where we buy furniture, bicker over vacation spots, what are we having for dinner and who gets the remote (and I always do). Also letting myself fantacize about other things too... I'm going to get in trouble here I think. Oh, baby. I love you. Best thing, you are. Best thing. Thanks for not letting me miss out on this.

I don't think I prefer to end on a sappy note, but I'm done work. Ciao.

Girl Rules

This is fun. I like bloggin at work.

I like the fact that "blog" is a word/verb that didn't exist when I was 15 years old. My parents didn't blog. Your parents didn't blog. My mom thinks it's a kind of dance. Crazy, funny = Ma.


A "good" (?) friend came over last night, which was unexpected. Let me tell you why I put a question mark there, in a handy list. (which, yes, I like).

1. The last 5 times this friend has made plans with me, she's bailed. Hard. Without notice, no call. If I didn't have so much faith in her survival skills, I may have actually been worried.

2. This person has made it extermely clear that she will ditch plans with me at the drop of a hat for a very specifc other friend. By the way, the other friend hates me.

3. This person seems to only want to be friends with me when she needs/wants something. (last night it was for internet/new ipod stuffs and the food network).

4. She ignored my calls/ texts for so long that it was almost as if her phone were out of service.

5. She has made it clear that she still does not approve of my boyfriend and I dating. No longer showing her disapproval with words (at my request) she prefers to roll her eyes and scrinch up her nose like she smells a fart. I think the only thing that stinks is her attitude.

6. She recently fucked my ex-boyfriend, who's also her ex- ex-ex boyfriend, while he had a girlfriend thinking it would go somewhere. And she wants to talk about it ALL THE TIME. With me. Not that I mind the girl talk, but there's something fishy here. Like she needs my approval. And it's weird that she would want to talk to me about it. At least I know my opinion matters to her, even if she makes me feel as if I don't matter sometimes. And, it's nice to catch her by surprize with my "coolness" on the subject. Yes, when it comes to these matters I am oh, so, cool.

So yesterday I get a call asking if she can come over. I've been pissed at her lately, and straight-shooting I didn't want to see her at all. But the softie in me that hates negative shit, and misses her friend did not want to say no. So I said "come on over". Then I made a $5 bet that she wouldn't show. I guess I'm happy I lost?

I sat at home, not getting my hopes up in any fashion. I was surprised when the bell rang at 9:30. I had already written her off.

True to "girl rules" form, she brought wine, pot, and chocolate. Wine, pot and chocolate. A girl's subtle way of saying "I'm sorry". And more importantly, "Don't be mad at me."

So there I was. Home. Stoned as shit. Sitting in front of the tv with a girl who's guilty conscience has brought me treats. Truthfully, she clearly felt bad. It was obvious, but I had a feeling an apology was not on her to do list. Instead, she wanted to see if I was angry. Mad. Sad. Depressed. Jealous etc. She kept watching me, waiting for me to react. I guess I was stand-offish at first. No one wants a pity party.

She clearly felt bad. Her normal self was gone evidenced by the lack of brazen commentary and against the wall questions. She avoided topics, skewed stories, recounted hypothetical situations in which friends forgive other friends for doing the same thing she did to me, and blah blah blah.

Basically, she came in with her tail between her legs and was hoping that I would be the bigger one and forgive her before she apologized.

Well, Fuck that. . .I was tired, stoned, and missing my muffin. Luckily, I wasn't in the mood to be bitchy about it either. She had, afterall, followed girl rules. I can play by girl rules too.

I drank all her wine very quickly, then talked about how happy my relationship made me, what friends I've seen lately (surprisingly many comparitively), where I think I'm going in life, and babies. Yes, I went there. I went to baby town. Why? Because I could. Because it is more possible in my situation than in hers at this moment. Because it makes her feel bad. Because that's what girls do. They make each other feel BAD.

I didn't say that girl rules made any sense. They are anti-logic and purely based on emotion and social prowress. And revenge.

I talked about weddings, moves, bridesmaids, great sex, feelings, massages, showers, bleeding (rather unconventional acceptance of bleeding) and tea.

She seemed really happy about all of this.

For the second day in a row, I won.

So, having played by girl rules do I feel any better? A little. I feel better enough to hang out later again maybe later. But for the next little while, I hope she's not expectng me to call, EXCEPT to get all the stuff she's borrowed. It takes a lot of repeated badness to get on my bad side. And it takes just as much goodness to dig out. Apparently.

Nasty, ooooooo....
Nasty Girls.

Confrontation (?) with the office CREEP.

The following was typed pretty much in real time.

A post for the weirdo who keeps staring at me.

He's doing it right now. That creepy guy who looks over our cubicle wall to oggle me while I try not to pay attention. Instead, I type furiously trying to look "busy" while he pleads with me occularly to look at him. When I do make eye contact, he looks away.

This is the most annoying, creepiest person I have ever encountered. STOP LOOKING AT ME!!! He's doing it now. I'm going to look back in 5...4...3....2....1...

There. Now he's looking at his computer again. SITTING DOWN.

It's 11:15am.

Ok, he's starting to bob now. 11:16 am. Stop BOBBING DUDE! STAY SITTING DOWN. He's fucking bobbing. Up and down. Getting closer and closer to breaking the barrier with his eyes.

He just snuck a peek. Is this really happening? 11:18am. I'm observing a weirdo, who won't stop observing me. I feel like I'm going nuts. Is anyone else seeing this?

I'm waiting for him to make another move. I can't believe this is my JOB.

He got up. Stretching, while watching me. I'm not sure because I'm watching him perfiferally, but I think he picked his nose. EW. I am NOT looking over dude! So gross. 11:21

I'm typing. I'm typing. I'm typing. I'm typing. I'm typing. Stop looking at me. Sit down. He's only 3 feet away from me. Stop looking at me! I'm typing. Typing.

He just knocked on the divider. Where are my headphones when I need them!!?? Is he trying to get my attention? Oy.

Okay, I didn't look at him, but gave him the 1 minute finger. 11:24

What do I do? What do I do? Brrringgg!!!

Okay, saved by the phone. Thanks person I can't understand on the other line. Talk to me forever, or at least until creepy guy goes home.

Sending an email to my boss requesting a desk change because "my eyes hurt from the glare of the screen and windows". Doesn't need to know that my eyes only hurt from focusing so intently on my screen to look busy.

That's it. He's staring again. Time to get verbal. 11:28

"Yes?." I tried to sound rude and snooty. He got it. Sat down.

Now I feel bad. I shouldn't have been so rude. Maybe I could have been nicer.

Fuck! He's STARING AGAIN!

Okay, breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

"Is there something I can help you with? I notice you keep looking at me. It's very distracting."

"Oh." He said. "Sorry." AND THEN HE KEEPS LOOKING.

What a stupid thing to say. Sorry? Are you kidding me?

"I think you can sit down now." I go back to typing.

He sinks in his seat. No activity for 5 minutes now. Is it sexual harassment when the harasser is clearly mentally incompentant?

1:31 pm- No activity. He hasn't made eye contact with me once in 2 hours. Yea.

I win. Success.

Weddings and War.

Does being a good friend mean stepping aside and sucking it up in the face of controversy (ME), or is it standing up for a friend who couldn't help falling in love (YOU)?

Here comes the bride. Holy shit! It's Jo!

My best friend of 20 years is somehow tying the knot. For real. All the years of talking, planning, cutting up magazines, shopping for wedding dresses, having bachelorette parties has finally led to something concrete that can not be undone. No matter how much divorce may be a possibility, you will always have been "married". It's just like getting a social stigma tattoo. And she's getting it on her finger.

It wasn't exactly a surprise, but for some reason I'm shocked and riddled with anxiety. As secure as I am in my relationship with Jo, my recent social divorcing from other key wedding party members is making me nervous about her big day. Ok, this wedding isn't about me and I know it. If need be, I will push all stupidity aside to ensure her day, and all planning, goes as wonderfully as it deserves to go. I am not interested in becoming a thorn in anyone's side. However, I can get all stupidity out here, so whatever people. Here I go.

Do I still get to be a bridesmaid? I hope so, and I have a feeling I will. I'm not set on the maid of honor title, because I think it's unlikely and unrealistic considering the amount of people vying, but I hope she decides on her sister to fill the spot (as long as she doesn't give it to you-know-who, there will be very little disappointment on my end). Do I still get to go wedding dress shopping, or will I be tossed aside to accommodate more fragile egos? How will the tables be set up? If applicable, will Andrew be invited? Maybe a bit early to assume that part, but still I worry about it. This is the biggest moment in my best friend's life so far, and to be honest, I'm worried that I won't be able to be there fully for it. I did not do anything wrong, and more importantly, I didn't intentionally hurt anyone. But because of one person who was hurt, despite it all, all the mutuals find themselves torn between friends. Suddenly, people are picking sides without being asked. Suddenly, I'm feeling austracized and I don't see the need for it. Does she feel the same way?

I don't believe in taking sides. Especially when it's not needed. Every situation is different, and I believe that people can choose who their friends are. I cannot choose who my friends hang out with. I do not own them. I'm allowed to be friends with whomever I want, and my friends can decide if they would like to maintain a friendship with me. And while I'm sure no one feels as though they've lost me as a friend, they are dangerously close to. There is a very subtle war going on, and I've been ignoring it, denying it, and washing my hands of it. Was this the right call?I feel mature enough to handle my situation, and I'm sure that hurt person #1 is 100% capable of handling hers. So why are our friends being referees in a war that does not need to exist?

So far I have maintained my "don't rock the boat", "smile", "don't make this hard on anybody" attitude. There is absolutely no way else to do it without being accusatory. I didn't think that there was anything to be accusatory about. But now I feel hurt, abandoned, and angry.I spend most of my time defending you. I wonder how much time goes in to defending me. Does anyone have the balls to say "Hey! Get over it!"? Importantly, I do not think that her feelings are invalid. I do think that they are making her miserable, and avoiding me/the situation and making our friends avoid it too is not doing anyone any favors.

Or do they not feel that way at all? Does no one want her to get over it? Is no one trying to actually make the situation better? Should I just suck it up, and accept my fate as a second rate friend until I'm literally pushed off the map?

Does being a good friend mean stepping aside and sucking it up in the face of controversy (ME), or is it standing up for a friend who couldn't help falling in love (YOU)? The problem with picking sides, is that the only thing you can be sure of is loss. Pick me, and she'll be hurt. Boom, have you lost her? Pick her, and boom! have you lost your friendship with me? My vote is pick no one, and allow her and I to work out our bullshit and/or trust us not to smear bullshit all over your apartment, party and/or get together.

Even I have enough respect and trust in both of us to accomplish this. Not only that, but hate takes up so much more energy than civility. I can be civil. Can you?

Picking sides.

Bride or Groom? I'm hoping to still be welcome on the bride's side. If not, there better be room on the back pews.

Boogie Wonderland. Cha, Cha, Cha

In the grand scheme of things, I've heard it said that it doesn't matter when you start but that you start. Bunch of crap. Sometimes when you start reflects why you started, so it can't really be unimportant, can it? Why?... indeed.

Poetic as it may be to begin a blog on New Year's eve in all it's reflective glory, I didn't want to be so cheesy for my first time. Actually, I wrote a romantic paragraph or two in October after my boyfriend's indirect inspiration prompted the ex-writer in me to start sticking some things to paper (or screen). The procrastinator in me told me to put off writing my virgin masterpiece until I felt more inspiration, and the perfectionist in me would never let me publish my "incomplete" post. So now, two and a half months later, I sit FB deprived at my new work desk in search of something to do in the online world and upon what do I stumble? Unrequited Blog.

I began re-reading my blatantly sexual original posting and realized quickly that this was not the way I wanted to start this adventure. Devoid of anything substantial, it was still nice to reminisce through a detailed account of a fantasy fulfilled afternoon "rumble" with my love, (which I can still picture if I close my eyes). One of my recent life lessons was that it's not the smartest thing for me to fantasize at work, since it often gets me too frustrated to function and sends me on a dirty text message binge that makes only makes matters worse. Apparently, I'm not so productive when horny (work wise). So I've decided to be good today, and write my first full blog without blush-causing content. Maybe I'll loosen up later:) Sadly, like most things I begin, if it's not finished in the amount of time it takes me to change my mind it likely will never be complete. I change my mind as often as I change shoes. So today, I am writing until I feel "done". We'll see when that happens. The word "finished" is really more of a concept than a reality in my opinion.

Soooooooooo.....Boogie Wonderland. I don't know why that popped in my head. Last year a prof asked us to come up with a short sentence life philosophy and asked us to share it with the class. I was not in the mood, and went back to my doodling. Blah, blah, blah he went on. Blah, blah, something about a paper. Apparently we had to have this figured out beforehand. I guess it helps to go to class sometimes. When the pendulum swung my way, I settled on Boogie Wonderland, hoping to get a laugh or two. Then the dude asked me to defend it. Ah, shit.
Occasionally gold plated bullshit spews from one's mouth and showers those around with beautiful glory. Yes, this was one of those times. After providing my brilliant, haphazard defence, I personally decided to take on Boogie Wonderland as a personal motto. It helped me organize two key things; how do I see the world, and my approach to living it. Boogie Wonderland is my seldom shared (and A+ graded) easy to remember- life philosophy.

Explaining it word for word seems to be the best way to do this, so here we go; Wonderland. We all live in a WONDER land. This represents the world, everything in it- my environment. Lately, I'm having trouble seeing the world with anything less than wonder. I can't remember a time when I felt as though I knew so little. There's no absolute certainty, no black and white, no truth except mine with the condition that it is always subject to change. No matter how well you plan, how certain you think you feel, or know anything, it can just as easily be unplanned, unfelt, or unlearned. It's always good and bad to expand, retract and explode, and it's always good and bad to hide, run and look "inside". Good and Evil are not two sides of a coin, but they represent the whole coin and everything in between. Good intentions can not always justify actions to everyone, and what feels right to one person may not look right to another. Answers lead to more questions, and definite statements can simultaneously be vague as hell. I rarely use wonder in this fashion, but I wonder at things. I wonder why things that seem so simple can be hard. I wonder why my heart and my head don't always agree. I wonder why we let ourselves love people, who weren't supposed to be on the menu. I think we enter our 20's with the desire to answer a lot of questions. Who am I? What do I want to do with my life? Who do I want to share it with? How am I going to pay rent? How do I do my taxes? Where in the world IS Carmen Sandiego? We look everywhere and frustrate ourselves in to a tizzy. At this point in my life I think it's best (and less time consuming) to let the answers find me. Eventually, I'll figure it out. That I'm sorta sure about.

Boogie is my approach to life. Dancing through. I don't mean to imply that life's a party, and that dancing my way through will get me what I want. I still believe you have to work for what you get, or to keep what was given to you. However, boogie is my way of dealing with all the little things life throws in the air intended to land on my head. Be versatile, agile, handle life with grace, have fun, keep moving, and when you move, move to some kind of beat. Try to stay on the dancefloor, and if you fall off (or fall down), let the rhythm pick you up and keep dancing. It's simple. Life is a dance. All the hard work is just trying to stay with the rhythm. It's easier for some, harder for others, but as long as you're dancing you'll feel alive.
I was very happy with this explanation, which is almost word for word what I spewed out in class. Gold bullshit indeed.

Few reasons for typing this here blog. 1. I blog because I can, and more importantly because I can do it at work. 2. I guess I always learn best from myself, or from seeing myself through others. This will be my mirror, and maybe I'll let other people see it sometime. 3. I can keep track of myself, and um, grow and stuff 4. I'll get in the habit of writing again.

Then there's 5. I think I need a change. I mentioned something about timing in the beginning, and things are changing like mad in this here life right now. Left, right and center, friends have come and gone, relationships have developed and been squandered, not-quite-love was found, then lost, then very-much-love snuck in a window of opportunity. My body is composed of not quite the same parts as it was last New Years, and neither is my family. Career choices seem more like coffins, and the road there is not so fun. Jobs have changed, the landscape has changed, roommates have changed and I'm sure that I've changed to. Just what I've changed in to, I still have to figure out. So maybe I'll get some perspective on that here. Or maybe not. We'll see. At least if this doesn't work out, I still have reasons 1-4.

In 8 and a half hours, another year will have passed and I guess I will have to start having to get used to writing 2008 instead of 2007. I'm not a big New Year's girl, but I am suddenly in the mood for a drunken night, or dancing, or something. I've been blue for a few days, and weepy without reason for a few days before that. Maybe this girl just needs a pick-me up from a few good friends? Sadly, the list of people who can do that is getting shorter and shorter. Normal for a growing girl I guess, but I'll save that for a more rant-inspired day. For now, I guess if the one's you've got are great, then I guess you're doing just fine :).

(I have a feeling those blues will be blown to bits with a hug (and a REAL kiss) later on and soon I'll be in a quiet, love-drug induced haze with my muffin. And not blogging.)